Fashion after Weight loss surgery and it’s effects on self esteem.
You did it. You changed your life, your health. You’ve begun your journey. Your weight is going down, you feel great, you look great . You have non-scale victories, life is good. No life is Great.
So you wake up feeling great, head over to the closet and like most days for the last year or longer you reach for those pants. You know the ones. The ones that make you feel acceptable and hide what you don’t like about your body. They are so familiar they feel like a second skin. A security blanket. ( for me it was a pair of wide leg black pants from Lane Bryant. I had 7 pair, one for everyday, even in the summer.) but wait , what’s this? They don’t fit. How could this be? A rush of panic and excitement comes over you. Some of you might be thinking ” I can’t wait for that day”. But trust me, for those of us who have been there, It can be terrifying. Like taking a security blanket from a baby. ( after all, we are like babies at this point, mushy foods, learning how to chew, drink our water, Dr’s appointments every few weeks).
Panic sets in. What do I do NOW. Where do I go from here. What size AM I.
Well for me, it had been so long since I shopped in non-plus size stores, I was lost. I still stayed in Lane Bryant for a bit with my pants but shirts, bra’s, and under ware were almost an instant change. Of course the husband was chiming in ” Victoria Secret “. Yeah ,Not just yet . So I hit the stores. TJ Maxx, Walmart, sears , it was all very overwhelming. I felt so upset, so fustrated. I didn’t know my own body. Where I once had huge hips, there was nothing to hold up jeans, and let’s not talk about the bra situation.( not in this issue but rest assured one will follow)
Adding to the fustration, I was afraid to spend money on things , if i found any that fit, and have them not fit a week or two later, but there was no way I was wearing elastic waist bands after all this work. So it was back to basics ( as if we weight loss surgery people don’t hear That enough).
I was always a second hand shopper. I have always found it exciting to find Kate spade shoes for $5.99, or a coach Bag for $9.99. Very rarely was I ever able to find clothing options in theses stores, because as you know when your a size 24 and you have those security blankets, you don’t tend to donate or consign them. Well I entered a store full of new possibilities. All for amazing prices, every style you can think of and everysize under the sun.
My first trip into the dressing room I had pants from size 24 to 12. Turns out I was a 16 on my first trip. There were so many options and choices, I knew this was where I was going to be spending the next year. I went right for black pants of course, and I didn’t like them all that much. So I went for a pair of jeans. ME in jeans? . NO WAY. Well I left with a huge pile of jeans and haven’t looked back since. I love my blue jeans, Heck blue ,black white, any color that will fit this body. Now a size 2 , so as you can imagine there have been many trips to this wonderland of fashion and thrift.
This was unfamiliar territory but I had to be willing to step out of my comfort zone. I had to except that my body was new to me. I had to see it for all it’s new beautiful attributes. I was always associatied with my boobs. Well, Not anymore and I needed to learn what to love about myself now. I happen to have a tiny waist. I have to embrace that and learn what clothes make me feel good. That’s what this journey is also about. Not just being healthy on the inside but also feeling healthy and metally being excitied about who we are . I had a new found freedom, I now could look like the person I ALWAYS felt like on the inside. I always loved clothes and fashion, but that little voice inside my head , the one that whispered, ” Not you, You can’t wear that” kept me from feeling this freedom.
You might be wondering” isn’t this all very superficial?” But clothes and fashion are very personal. You wouldn’t go into a tattoo shop and let the artist tattoo Anything He wants on your skin right? Well that’s what it feels like when you can never wear the style, colors or type of clothes you want. A sports fan wears a jersey to support his team, to show his pride in their accomplishments.well that’s what fashion is. It’s a way for us to show our pride in our accomplishments. It’s a way we share who we are. ( I’m the leopard lover. I have made many connections because of that familiar interest) to connect with each other. My friends think of me when ever they see leopard print , that’s a special thing.
I look forward to sharing my insights on good buys, a shopping plan for weight loss surgery patients, how you shop durning maintenace, How not to accept your friends “fat clothes, what to do with your old sizes, and many more topics. I hope to have contests and programs you can all participate in. I’ll share pictures of things that I have found and what works for a changing body. Through this process we will all learn to celebrate ourselves through fashion and self confidence. Love by design…
Well for me, it had been so long since I shopped in non-plus size stores, I was lost. I still stayed in Lane Bryant for a bit with my pants but shirts, bra’s, and under ware were almost an instant change. Of course the husband was chiming in ” Victoria Secret “. Yeah ,Not just yet . So I hit the stores. TJ Maxx, Walmart, sears , it was all very overwhelming. I felt so upset, so fustrated. I didn’t know my own body. Where I once had huge hips, there was nothing to hold up jeans, and let’s not talk about the bra situation.( not in this issue but rest assured one will follow)
Adding to the fustration, I was afraid to spend money on things , if i found any that fit, and have them not fit a week or two later, but there was no way I was wearing elastic waist bands after all this work. So it was back to basics ( as if we weight loss surgery people don’t hear That enough).
I was always a second hand shopper. I have always found it exciting to find Kate spade shoes for $5.99, or a coach Bag for $9.99. Very rarely was I ever able to find clothing options in theses stores, because as you know when your a size 24 and you have those security blankets, you don’t tend to donate or consign them. Well I entered a store full of new possibilities. All for amazing prices, every style you can think of and everysize under the sun.
My first trip into the dressing room I had pants from size 24 to 12. Turns out I was a 16 on my first trip. There were so many options and choices, I knew this was where I was going to be spending the next year. I went right for black pants of course, and I didn’t like them all that much. So I went for a pair of jeans. ME in jeans? . NO WAY. Well I left with a huge pile of jeans and haven’t looked back since. I love my blue jeans, Heck blue ,black white, any color that will fit this body. Now a size 2 , so as you can imagine there have been many trips to this wonderland of fashion and thrift.
This was unfamiliar territory but I had to be willing to step out of my comfort zone. I had to except that my body was new to me. I had to see it for all it’s new beautiful attributes. I was always associatied with my boobs. Well, Not anymore and I needed to learn what to love about myself now. I happen to have a tiny waist. I have to embrace that and learn what clothes make me feel good. That’s what this journey is also about. Not just being healthy on the inside but also feeling healthy and metally being excitied about who we are . I had a new found freedom, I now could look like the person I ALWAYS felt like on the inside. I always loved clothes and fashion, but that little voice inside my head , the one that whispered, ” Not you, You can’t wear that” kept me from feeling this freedom.
You might be wondering” isn’t this all very superficial?” But clothes and fashion are very personal. You wouldn’t go into a tattoo shop and let the artist tattoo Anything He wants on your skin right? Well that’s what it feels like when you can never wear the style, colors or type of clothes you want. A sports fan wears a jersey to support his team, to show his pride in their accomplishments.well that’s what fashion is. It’s a way for us to show our pride in our accomplishments. It’s a way we share who we are. ( I’m the leopard lover. I have made many connections because of that familiar interest) to connect with each other. My friends think of me when ever they see leopard print , that’s a special thing.
I look forward to sharing my insights on good buys, a shopping plan for weight loss surgery patients, how you shop durning maintenace, How not to accept your friends “fat clothes, what to do with your old sizes, and many more topics. I hope to have contests and programs you can all participate in. I’ll share pictures of things that I have found and what works for a changing body. Through this process we will all learn to celebrate ourselves through fashion and self confidence. Love by design…
Trimming the fat...........
We’ve all heard the expression “Trimming the fat.” It probably means about the same thing to us all, but I have found a new reason to use it these days.
It conjures up images of a perfectly pink raw steak, surrounded by some of the undesirable white fat that trims the edges. The steak would be perfect if it weren’t for that white trim. You can try to cook it off but it just gets burned and clings to the meat so the only way to get rid of it is , cut it off in the beginning.
I’ve heard businesses use the saying when letting go of employee’s. Not the nicest of sayings. No one wants to think of themselves as that useless white discarded material, but it happens to the best of us.
Well as this weight loss journey moves full steam ahead, I have thought of this saying a few times. For obvious reasons , fat is flying all over the place. As you go day to day, sometimes in a very fragile state of learning and self reflection, you hear the advice from others, “relationships are going to change all around you”.
And boy if that ain’t true. When I went to a support group meeting pre-surgery and they were talking about this topic, I naively thought they were talking husband wife relationships. I knew ours would be fine. I didn’t realize it was so so much more then that. Often times, people I thought would be supportive and excited were anything but that. In fact I have seen sides of people I have known almost my whole life, that I never knew they had. It wasn’t pretty. On the flip side there were people who surprised me and were the most amazingly supportive I’ve ever seen them.
Some on the other hand, those ones I mentioned before, were so awful I had to make the choice to ”Trim the Fat” out of my life. I would have had this perfectly pink beautiful life, minus the white rim of “fat”. So off with it . It hurt, don’t get me wrong. 15 years is a long time to let go of , let’s just say this fat didn’t go quietly and no matter how I “cut” it , it was inevitable. It had too be done just the same.
So this is the path I seem to be facing now. I was always a person who tried to please my friends and family and make nice eventually, but what I realized is, sometimes that’s not whats best for me. There are truly people that are not going to be part of the pink savory part of life and I need to accept this as true. I need to build what I want my life too be not just accept the slab of meat I’m given.
It always hit me as strange that we as people have standards for just about everything. Our houses, our cars ,where we eat , but we have close to no standards for the way we allow people to treat us or the people in our lives for that matter. This is so unfair. So there’s a new standard in my life. Top choice grade A beef ONLY. I expect a certain level of respect, empathy and support. I want to surround myself with kind generous and good people. Minus the Fat.
I’ve heard businesses use the saying when letting go of employee’s. Not the nicest of sayings. No one wants to think of themselves as that useless white discarded material, but it happens to the best of us.
Well as this weight loss journey moves full steam ahead, I have thought of this saying a few times. For obvious reasons , fat is flying all over the place. As you go day to day, sometimes in a very fragile state of learning and self reflection, you hear the advice from others, “relationships are going to change all around you”.
And boy if that ain’t true. When I went to a support group meeting pre-surgery and they were talking about this topic, I naively thought they were talking husband wife relationships. I knew ours would be fine. I didn’t realize it was so so much more then that. Often times, people I thought would be supportive and excited were anything but that. In fact I have seen sides of people I have known almost my whole life, that I never knew they had. It wasn’t pretty. On the flip side there were people who surprised me and were the most amazingly supportive I’ve ever seen them.
Some on the other hand, those ones I mentioned before, were so awful I had to make the choice to ”Trim the Fat” out of my life. I would have had this perfectly pink beautiful life, minus the white rim of “fat”. So off with it . It hurt, don’t get me wrong. 15 years is a long time to let go of , let’s just say this fat didn’t go quietly and no matter how I “cut” it , it was inevitable. It had too be done just the same.
So this is the path I seem to be facing now. I was always a person who tried to please my friends and family and make nice eventually, but what I realized is, sometimes that’s not whats best for me. There are truly people that are not going to be part of the pink savory part of life and I need to accept this as true. I need to build what I want my life too be not just accept the slab of meat I’m given.
It always hit me as strange that we as people have standards for just about everything. Our houses, our cars ,where we eat , but we have close to no standards for the way we allow people to treat us or the people in our lives for that matter. This is so unfair. So there’s a new standard in my life. Top choice grade A beef ONLY. I expect a certain level of respect, empathy and support. I want to surround myself with kind generous and good people. Minus the Fat.
What's in a Number
Disclaimer: Typed in a hotel lobby surrounded by 200 people, excuse all errors ..Thank you
As more and more of my group of friends evolve from the beginning stages of this weight loss journey , to what we now call maintenance…We ask ourselves , ” what’s in a number?”
Is the number on the scale the most important thing? No. If the number goes up does it take away all the good feelings we had while it was moving down? No.
I can still cross my legs, wear knee high boots, fit in my size 2 pants All goals before surgery) and yesterday I climbed 120 feet into the earth and back out again barely breaking a sweat. My kids can still wrap their arms around me and my husband still thinks I’m “hot” . So whats the stress over a fluctuating 5 lbs. I know why it’s happening. It’s no mystery. I know I can get it off too, so why is it mentally so distracting.
This is one of the hardest parts of this journey for me. I have lost the weight, I have acquired a new lifestyle, and I’ve even learned that there are people that will not be able to accept the way things are now and they may have to be trimmed out of my life. ( another post to follow explaining ”trimming the fat”) As challenging as these things are and as long as it has taken to accept these changes, this damn number thing is the hardest yet. What is it that it is saying to me. Where in my life has this number been turned into a “scale” of my success. Did someone some where some time ago stress “the perfect number and now I long to reach it”?
What is the perfect number? When this idea was lay ed into my head somewhere along the way, what was the number that was suppose to be ideal? Was I a kid? Was the number or is this magical number attainable as an adult. DO you see why this is so difficult?
and so now I keep reminding myself to:
1- Trust my body. Probably one of the hardest things I have to do is have a mixture of faith and trust. Not two things I have often , if ever, I especially don’t find it much in myself. I know my body is working hard to get what it needs and it has the tools to take care of things. I feed it and care for it much better now then I ever have before. I have more faith in my cat then I do in my own Body. The cat I know only needs minimal food and water and he’ll be just fine. Why cant I have that faith in my own body I care for so much better then Logan the cat?
2-Learn to live. I didn’t go through all this struggle and learning to now not be able to live. Counting calories at every meal , feeling stressed over not working out ( I mean quality) and worrying about numbers on a scale, is not living. I have in fact imprisoned my mind into a place I never wanted to be. I went from NEVER thinking about what I was eating, calories ? What are those? to counting every morsel. I had no knowledge of good eating , to NOW being obsessed by it. I have learned so much about good eating but I have crossed over to obsessive. I find it very hard to allow myself to eat calories that will maintain instead of losing. I literally feel ashamed when I eat something I shouldn’t ( it doesnt stop me ) and obsess over how I’m going to get it off. This is not Living.
I would much rather leave this post with a plan, But the truth is I dont have one. Everyday is a learning experience. I have no idea what the future holds and I have no idea how to travel down a path I’ve never been on before. Im in a hotel lobby at 7:30 am having just ate some breakfast while thefamily sleeps and I’m blogging. This is new. This is helping. I think I’ll be here alot more often. I have futrure goals and things I’m planning. I think I will spend alot more time focusing on those things and less time worrying about food, calories and gaining weigh. Will I forget it all together, No. In fact typing that statement makes me nervous.
I will add , and this is in no way meant to be comparing Cancer to My gift of weight loss surgery, but I think the mental health of someone who was once very sick can be the same.
You spend a very long time very sick, some of us , all the way to knocking on deaths door. You fight like hell to not walk through that door and do everything in your power to heal and get healthy and strong. You accomplish this with faith and modern medical miracles. But now you worry everyday, “What if I get sick AGIAN. What if I’m back at deaths door? , I won’t be able to do it again,” so we fight like hell, get obsessive , and worry everyday that we will go back to being sick. But at some point you have to let go, trust in things you know, things you have learned, and except whatever is going to come our way. If we don’t we aren’t living we’re just kinda hanging around deaths door waiting to knock again.
Well that’s the best way I can explain it too you. I hope you understand it’s a process and a journey. Maintenance is the final leg of the journey and I’m entering the final stage. In my opinion the hardest one with the most self reflection. I don’t like self reflection. But it’s part of the process. So good luck to my maintenance friends and for those of you supporting us, Thank you. One day we will find our comfort zone and we Will truly be living.
Is the number on the scale the most important thing? No. If the number goes up does it take away all the good feelings we had while it was moving down? No.
I can still cross my legs, wear knee high boots, fit in my size 2 pants All goals before surgery) and yesterday I climbed 120 feet into the earth and back out again barely breaking a sweat. My kids can still wrap their arms around me and my husband still thinks I’m “hot” . So whats the stress over a fluctuating 5 lbs. I know why it’s happening. It’s no mystery. I know I can get it off too, so why is it mentally so distracting.
This is one of the hardest parts of this journey for me. I have lost the weight, I have acquired a new lifestyle, and I’ve even learned that there are people that will not be able to accept the way things are now and they may have to be trimmed out of my life. ( another post to follow explaining ”trimming the fat”) As challenging as these things are and as long as it has taken to accept these changes, this damn number thing is the hardest yet. What is it that it is saying to me. Where in my life has this number been turned into a “scale” of my success. Did someone some where some time ago stress “the perfect number and now I long to reach it”?
What is the perfect number? When this idea was lay ed into my head somewhere along the way, what was the number that was suppose to be ideal? Was I a kid? Was the number or is this magical number attainable as an adult. DO you see why this is so difficult?
and so now I keep reminding myself to:
1- Trust my body. Probably one of the hardest things I have to do is have a mixture of faith and trust. Not two things I have often , if ever, I especially don’t find it much in myself. I know my body is working hard to get what it needs and it has the tools to take care of things. I feed it and care for it much better now then I ever have before. I have more faith in my cat then I do in my own Body. The cat I know only needs minimal food and water and he’ll be just fine. Why cant I have that faith in my own body I care for so much better then Logan the cat?
2-Learn to live. I didn’t go through all this struggle and learning to now not be able to live. Counting calories at every meal , feeling stressed over not working out ( I mean quality) and worrying about numbers on a scale, is not living. I have in fact imprisoned my mind into a place I never wanted to be. I went from NEVER thinking about what I was eating, calories ? What are those? to counting every morsel. I had no knowledge of good eating , to NOW being obsessed by it. I have learned so much about good eating but I have crossed over to obsessive. I find it very hard to allow myself to eat calories that will maintain instead of losing. I literally feel ashamed when I eat something I shouldn’t ( it doesnt stop me ) and obsess over how I’m going to get it off. This is not Living.
I would much rather leave this post with a plan, But the truth is I dont have one. Everyday is a learning experience. I have no idea what the future holds and I have no idea how to travel down a path I’ve never been on before. Im in a hotel lobby at 7:30 am having just ate some breakfast while thefamily sleeps and I’m blogging. This is new. This is helping. I think I’ll be here alot more often. I have futrure goals and things I’m planning. I think I will spend alot more time focusing on those things and less time worrying about food, calories and gaining weigh. Will I forget it all together, No. In fact typing that statement makes me nervous.
I will add , and this is in no way meant to be comparing Cancer to My gift of weight loss surgery, but I think the mental health of someone who was once very sick can be the same.
You spend a very long time very sick, some of us , all the way to knocking on deaths door. You fight like hell to not walk through that door and do everything in your power to heal and get healthy and strong. You accomplish this with faith and modern medical miracles. But now you worry everyday, “What if I get sick AGIAN. What if I’m back at deaths door? , I won’t be able to do it again,” so we fight like hell, get obsessive , and worry everyday that we will go back to being sick. But at some point you have to let go, trust in things you know, things you have learned, and except whatever is going to come our way. If we don’t we aren’t living we’re just kinda hanging around deaths door waiting to knock again.
Well that’s the best way I can explain it too you. I hope you understand it’s a process and a journey. Maintenance is the final leg of the journey and I’m entering the final stage. In my opinion the hardest one with the most self reflection. I don’t like self reflection. But it’s part of the process. So good luck to my maintenance friends and for those of you supporting us, Thank you. One day we will find our comfort zone and we Will truly be living.
The Brave Fat girl….
As the months go on and my outer body shrinks, I have those great friends that ask me ” well how does it feel?” I of course will tell them wonderful and I’m filled with energy and all the things you can imagine going from size 24 to a size 4. Which by the way , still hasn’t fully hit me. The doctor has told me to stop thinking of myself as the 270 lb girl who has lost weight and start thinking of myself as the size 4, 125 lb girl I am now. That was shocking to hear and has made me really start reflecting on that old image and version of myself. I have a family picture in Disney from before I even decided to have weight loss surgery that sits on my window ledge by my kitchen sink. When I wash dishes, I stare at it and often I think what could I tell you , ( the old me) if I could.
I use to think I would tell her stop eating, stop gaining so much weight. Tell her the damage she was doing to her body and her health . Then I looked at her the other day and I realized I would thank her. Thank her for hanging in there, thank her for being strong enough to carry that weight around and for having two perfectly healthy natural births and gaining very little weight, but most of all I would thank her for being the Brave fat girl. Because as any fat girl knows, there are times that we have to braver then anyone can imagine.
Brave enough to face the reality that we are sick with a disease that has consumed us, brave enough to go through the entire weight loss surgery process, laying our lives on the line , and changing everything we have ever know about ourselves. but that’s not all, she was brave enough to commit to a life style change , brave enough to pick up those sneakers and head to the gym with her head held high, Knowing one day she would be the weight she could only dream of and be healthy enough to truly live for her family.
ONLY a Brave fat girl knows how it feels to walk into a gym where you feel like everyone is starring at you thinking “what is she doing here” and put on those sneakers and jump on those machines anyway. Then the day comes where you realize that those people are NOT judging you. They are happy for you, most of them are thinking “hey good for you” , “your doing it”.
You see, I of course wish I was never 270 lbs, it was unhealthy , dangerous and abusive to my body, but if I had never been there, I could never truly enjoy the health and beautiful opportunities that are here for me NOW. If I was never that weight, I would never have known How BRAVE that inner fat girl is.
I feel sad still when I see those pictures of me, I don’t know why , I’m sure I’m due for years of therapy, But now when I look at them ,I can see a brave strong girl ,who took control of her health, her future and her life. Instead of preaching to her, and putting her down, I want to give her a high five and thank her for being so brave , strong and patient. In my mind, I high five her every time I step onto that treadmill ,we are in this together, and im proud to have that Brave fat girl inside my mind keeping me going..
so high fives all around , I suppose maybe the people at the gym might think i’m crazy but HEY thats fine with us ….
I use to think I would tell her stop eating, stop gaining so much weight. Tell her the damage she was doing to her body and her health . Then I looked at her the other day and I realized I would thank her. Thank her for hanging in there, thank her for being strong enough to carry that weight around and for having two perfectly healthy natural births and gaining very little weight, but most of all I would thank her for being the Brave fat girl. Because as any fat girl knows, there are times that we have to braver then anyone can imagine.
Brave enough to face the reality that we are sick with a disease that has consumed us, brave enough to go through the entire weight loss surgery process, laying our lives on the line , and changing everything we have ever know about ourselves. but that’s not all, she was brave enough to commit to a life style change , brave enough to pick up those sneakers and head to the gym with her head held high, Knowing one day she would be the weight she could only dream of and be healthy enough to truly live for her family.
ONLY a Brave fat girl knows how it feels to walk into a gym where you feel like everyone is starring at you thinking “what is she doing here” and put on those sneakers and jump on those machines anyway. Then the day comes where you realize that those people are NOT judging you. They are happy for you, most of them are thinking “hey good for you” , “your doing it”.
You see, I of course wish I was never 270 lbs, it was unhealthy , dangerous and abusive to my body, but if I had never been there, I could never truly enjoy the health and beautiful opportunities that are here for me NOW. If I was never that weight, I would never have known How BRAVE that inner fat girl is.
I feel sad still when I see those pictures of me, I don’t know why , I’m sure I’m due for years of therapy, But now when I look at them ,I can see a brave strong girl ,who took control of her health, her future and her life. Instead of preaching to her, and putting her down, I want to give her a high five and thank her for being so brave , strong and patient. In my mind, I high five her every time I step onto that treadmill ,we are in this together, and im proud to have that Brave fat girl inside my mind keeping me going..
so high fives all around , I suppose maybe the people at the gym might think i’m crazy but HEY thats fine with us ….
What's done is done............
I’m sitting here starring out the window and something has come over me. It’s done. I did it.
The very beginning of this journey was a never looking back process. From the moment I made the decision to have this surgery I never questioned it. There was this secure peace that came over me. I KNEW this was the direction I was suppose to go in. I knew That everything was going to be OK. That being said ,don’t think there were times I didn’t cry like a fool because I was scared to loose my babies or never see my husband again. Of course I did. Especially that day as they wheeled me toward surgery and the night I wrote them all goodbye letters. yes I really did do that. However, and I am not a church going religious person, But I do have a relationship with my god. I knew there was nothing to be worried about. I knew this was what I was suppose to do.I had this peace like god was there all along leading me to do what I was meant to do. I knew I’d wake up and everything was going to be OK. I think because I never questioned it, I never really thought about exactly what was going to happen. That sounds odd to say since I watched the surgery live on YouTube. My mental state was this , you can’t jump over a hole half way .Its all the way or not at all. I think in my head I knew I was going to do it and I just jumped, and before I knew it I was waking up and it was done. It reminds me of a time Airen and I stood on top of this ridiculously high water slide and he said he looked over to me to say let’s go and I was already gone. That’s me I guess. If your going to do it , Just do it and don’t waste time worrying about it. So here I am again and I am down the slide and already moving on.
The very beginning of this journey was a never looking back process. From the moment I made the decision to have this surgery I never questioned it. There was this secure peace that came over me. I KNEW this was the direction I was suppose to go in. I knew That everything was going to be OK. That being said ,don’t think there were times I didn’t cry like a fool because I was scared to loose my babies or never see my husband again. Of course I did. Especially that day as they wheeled me toward surgery and the night I wrote them all goodbye letters. yes I really did do that. However, and I am not a church going religious person, But I do have a relationship with my god. I knew there was nothing to be worried about. I knew this was what I was suppose to do.I had this peace like god was there all along leading me to do what I was meant to do. I knew I’d wake up and everything was going to be OK. I think because I never questioned it, I never really thought about exactly what was going to happen. That sounds odd to say since I watched the surgery live on YouTube. My mental state was this , you can’t jump over a hole half way .Its all the way or not at all. I think in my head I knew I was going to do it and I just jumped, and before I knew it I was waking up and it was done. It reminds me of a time Airen and I stood on top of this ridiculously high water slide and he said he looked over to me to say let’s go and I was already gone. That’s me I guess. If your going to do it , Just do it and don’t waste time worrying about it. So here I am again and I am down the slide and already moving on.
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