What's done is done............

I’m sitting here starring out the window and something has come over me. It’s done. I did it.
The very beginning of this journey was a never looking back process. From the moment I made the decision to have this surgery I never questioned it. There was this secure peace that came over me. I KNEW this was the direction I was suppose to go in.  I knew That everything was going to be OK. That being said ,don’t think there were times I didn’t cry like a fool because I was scared to loose my babies or never see my husband again. Of course I did. Especially that day as they wheeled me toward surgery and the night I wrote them all goodbye letters. yes I really did do that. However, and I am not a church going religious person, But I do have a relationship with my god.  I knew there was nothing to be worried about. I knew this was what I was suppose to do.I had this peace like god was there all along leading me to do what I was meant to do. I knew I’d wake up and everything was going to be OK. I think because I never questioned it, I never really thought about  exactly what was going to happen. That sounds odd to say since I watched the surgery live on YouTube.  My mental state was this , you can’t jump over a hole half way .Its all the way or not at all. I think in my head I knew I was going to do it and I just jumped, and before I knew it I was waking up and it was done.  It reminds me of a time Airen and I stood on top of this ridiculously high water slide and he said he looked over to me to say let’s go and I was already gone. That’s me I guess. If your going to do it , Just do it and don’t waste time worrying about it. So here I am again and I am down the slide and already moving on.