The Brave Fat girl….

 As the months go on and my outer body shrinks, I have those great friends that ask me ” well how does it feel?”  I of course will tell them wonderful and I’m filled with energy and all the things you can imagine going from size 24 to a size 4. Which by the  way , still hasn’t fully hit me. The doctor has told me to stop thinking of myself as the 270 lb girl who has lost weight and start thinking of myself as the size 4, 125 lb  girl I am now. That was shocking to hear and has made me really start reflecting on that old image and version of myself. I have a family picture in Disney from before I even decided to have weight loss surgery that sits on my window ledge by my kitchen sink. When I wash dishes,  I stare at it and often I think what could I tell you , ( the old me) if I could.

I use to think I would tell her stop eating, stop gaining so much weight. Tell her the damage she was doing to her body and her  health .  Then I looked at her the other day and I realized I would thank her. Thank her for hanging in there, thank her for being strong enough to carry that weight around and for having two perfectly healthy natural births and gaining  very little weight, but most of all  I would thank her for being the Brave fat girl.  Because as any fat girl knows, there are times that we have to braver then anyone can imagine.
 Brave enough to face the reality that we are sick with a disease that has consumed us, brave enough to go through the entire weight loss surgery process, laying our lives on the line , and changing everything we have ever know about ourselves.  but that’s not all,  she was brave enough to commit to a life style change , brave enough to pick up those sneakers and head to the gym with her head held high, Knowing one day she would be the weight she could only dream of and be healthy enough to truly live for her  family.
ONLY a Brave fat girl knows how it feels to walk into a gym where you feel like everyone is starring at you thinking “what is she doing here”  and put on those sneakers and jump on those machines anyway.  Then the day comes where you realize that those people are NOT judging you. They are happy for you, most of them are thinking “hey good for you” , “your doing it”.
You see, I of course wish I was never 270 lbs, it was unhealthy , dangerous and abusive to my body, but if  I had  never been there, I could never truly enjoy the health and beautiful opportunities that are here for me NOW. If I was never that weight, I would never have known  How BRAVE that inner fat girl is.
I feel sad still when I see those pictures of me, I don’t know why , I’m sure I’m due for years of therapy, But now when I look  at them ,I can see a brave strong girl ,who took control of her health, her future and her life.  Instead of  preaching to her, and putting her down,  I want to give her a high five and thank her for being so brave , strong and patient.   In my mind, I high five her every time I step onto that treadmill ,we are in this together, and im proud to have that Brave fat girl inside my mind keeping me going..
so high fives all around ,  I suppose maybe the people at the gym might think i’m crazy but HEY thats fine with us ….