I tell you life is so Ironic sometimes. I found this article in one of my women's magazines that was all about judgement. How we judge each other. Skinny or fat. It really hit home for me so I passed it on to my Hospital support coordinator ( and Friend). We decided to do a support group meeting about it. The topic to be discussed: We sometimes think that when we loose weight and get healthy, and become what everyone always wanted us to be, the judging and harsh treatment will or should cease to exist.
HA! YES, HA!
It has been my experience , That couldn't be further from the truth of it.
OK ,so because I put myself out there and I share personal information with any stranger who asks, I'm in the public eye a bit here locally, and I make video's, face book stuff etc....I'm a little bit more open to criticism but the everyday waitress who makes a comment like "oh I suppose YOU don't want dessert," or "Oh go ahead honey eat the bread, you could use it", Or rolls their eyes when you ask for dressing on the side, Is all judgement .That's just the tip of the iceberg. I've become accustom to those little digs , not that I should HAVE to but let's face it, we have to pick our battles. When I was recently called a " FAKE C*NT" on my you tube channel and told that I should have done it the Old Fashion way with dieting and exercise( oh why didn't I think of that!) and that I didn't deserve to be skinny, I laughed ( and emailed the idiot saying thank
you for calling me skinny LOL).I realized, the judging is never going to end. This same person probably would have called me a fat so and so if it was pre-surgery at 275 pounds. I really understand where it comes from, Now 2 years later. .His own self hate and distaste with where he is in life leads him to be bitter and full of hate. It literally has NOTHING to do with me.
I saw on his channel he is 1- Openly Gay ( I love my gays, my sister is gay for goodness sake but let's face it, there are some who struggle with this in life and become bitter) 2- He suffers from HS ( the very same condition I too had pre surgery and I KNOW THIS COMMUNITY TO BE VERY NASTY AND BITTER, they suffer extreme pain all day everyday and are very negative. ) 3- All his channel comments were nasty and bitter so I wasn't the only one. Lucky Me.
It took me two solid years to understand other people's judgements are about them, NOT ME .
A lot of what we perceive now is also influenced very early in life. Our pre judgements come from imagery we experience through books, movies and personal observations. When I was heavy, I was safe. I was relate able . I was the " fluffy fairy god mother" type ( Thanks Disney for that by the way ), Now I'm the "skinny fingered wicked step mother" type ( Once again THANKS Disney). The irony is , The fluffy fairy God mother was angry, bitter and hated most everyone and doing anything . The skinny fingered step mother is positive, loves talking to people, is more involved in her community and has goals. Wants to encourage and excite others about life. So there DISNEY. All middle aged skinny women are not mean nasty bitches .Who ever thought I'd have to defend THAT group of people, but seriously not all middle aged over weight women are fluffy, happy, nurturing types either , TRUST ME!
Why do we judge? I have to say, I try super hard not to judge right off the bat. I love to people watch. I love to experience the visual display of colors, imagery ,styles, ( lets face it handbags and shoes Too LOL) I wonder, where have they been? where are they going? what have they learned ?what do they do ? Very much like looking at art in a museum. What was the artist thinking, feeling, what was life like then, etc. I love theme parks, just to sit and watch. I don't like nor do I snark rude comments about anyone. I'm generally telling my husband " oh I wish I had her Butt , or Her hair,"
I've been every size from 24 to 2 so I'm the last person to judge on that criteria alone, trust me, how ever, I'm human. A girl with her butt crack hanging out is gonna cause a slight judgemental reaction in my frontal lobe but then I think "WOW good for her" , she's confident! she's working it, then the stylist in me thinks" I wish I could just "shush" it up for her a bit." ( yeah is that a word? It is Now ) .
Will judging ever stop? Of course not. But we need to empower ( Ironic- the you tube guys name was empowered something ...) ourselves and then young girls to realize that as long as we like our selves ( in the words of Bernie Mac) screw what everybody else thinks. Sorry keeping it real people.
At the end of the day, as my mother would say," If you can lay your head on your pillow and feel like your doing all you can, That you are a good person, then that's all that matters". Not what other people think of you. But does that mean then, if you judge other people and you don't think it's wrong ,then it's not? So maybe the real ANSWER is INSIDE US. Judge all you want. I am who I am and at the end of the day, that's all that I can focus on . I want to be a good, supportive, non judgemental person. I want to be kind uplifting and Happy. I guess that's all we really have control over. Life is truly IRONIC. We fight to change ourselves partially to stop the judgements and we end up with all kinds of new judgements and judging ourselves. Ironic.
Pity Party Extravaganza....
Here I sit in the comfort of my local Starbucks. Yes. Local Starbucks. I know but when you are a stay at home mom who helps her husband run a home based business, the last place you want to sit and get stuff done is home. At least in this weather. If I could be laying on the deck sunning ,trust me I would not be here at Starbucks. For right now this is my sanity, however it has turned into liquid crack for me . Literally I love and obsess over their espresso drinks, skinny of course.
I hope that when reading this, it finds everybody doing well and carrying on their journeys. I am well. That being said, a few days ago I was NOT so well. Mentally. For two years I have been on this journey, ( I cant believe two years already but when I think of all I've been through yeah two years is about right) and I have been very educated and knowledgeable about what to expect and how to face the challenges that have come up. That has helped a lot, i suggest everyone does research and reads other peoples journeys'. Only a few times have I actually had a mental breakdown. Well, two days ago was one of those days. AND YES it was related to the scale. Let me explain a little before you start to roll your eyes and get annoyed with this on going struggle I have vented about.
Two weeks ago it was 95 degrees here. I went hiking 4 times. A total of 15 miles and it was amazing. I bought friends and family with me each day and I felt great for including them and working on myself. I knew we were heading into bad weather the following week and wanted to have a plan so I over did it a bit to make up for the "shut in status" that was coming the following week. The next week, as planned, it was cold and rained almost everyday. To make up for this, I cut back on all the things I am not suppose to be eating . Carbs ,sweets, whatever. Although I wasn't eating much of those, I didn't want to undo what I had done the week before. I bought my fruit, my yogurts,and even sacrificed dinners after dinners that the family were eating and made better choices for me and my goals, and like planned, the scale was moving down. THEN, we went out with friends. They drank ate, partied it up and I stayed on track. (or so I thought.) We walked for like 6 hours around a casino, but stayed up late and then it happened. I got on the scale the next morning ( forgetting the basic two day rule) expecting it to be down or at least the same AND IT WAS UP. Now nothing crazy. I was still in my 5 pound cushion but for the first time in two years, it was up and I HAD NO IDEA why. I truly felt like it should be down. I was so angry and disgusted, I was going to scream ,cry and never get out of my bed or my sweats again. ( clearly this was momentary insanity because I'm not in Starbucks in my sweats) I ate 1/2 a krispy kreme doughnut that made me Soo sick and it didn't stop there , I ate a small amount of everything through out the day that I had said no too all week,while laying in bed mind you, in my fat pants. I was so angry and felt like "who cares I'll just be fat again. " The ironic thing was ,even if I wanted too, I couldn't eat enough sugar to go on a real binge , this I found very ironic. After several hours of a pity party and face book buddies telling me to knock it off with the scale, I found my mojo again and said "you know what I did have a salad with cheese and it was probably salt blah blah blah " and I got back on track. The pretty dress on my closet door right next to my bed kept catching my eye as well and it was mocking me .
Yesterday, two days after the pity party extravaganza, the scale was back down , that being said I had Chinese shrimp yesterday so no scale weigh in today.
What does all this mean? I hate my scale. Yes. but it also has really made me examine why? Why is that damn number so important. I told one of my friends "who said to stop worrying about it" that if I did that I'd be very over weight again very quickly.
This weight loss is sometimes like a hand full of sand. The tighter you try to hold onto it, the quicker it slips through your fingers. And that is a scary scary thing. To be out of control .To trust the very thing( the scale) that has mocked you your whole life. To have a plan that might work long term and will not let you down is very foreign for weight loss surgery people.
And then I thought about this. When you get to goal and then maintenance. you're almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, as the saying goes. Your waiting for it to fail like so many other things have before. I'm waiting for the weight to come back. That's what I'm waiting for. I'm fighting to keep this result as long as I can because I've never had it before. I almost feel like in some way, I cheated. and I'm waiting to face reality and gain it all back. I know we all get very angry when someone else says we took the easy way out , for obvious reasons, but how many of us secretly think this of ourselves in our own heads.
I am also reminded of a saying I live by. What we fear most we create. I have witnessed this time and time again, and here I am creating my future of failure.
I am trying to make peace with the fact that at my very lowest weight I was 119 pounds. I did not feel good. I was weak and although people made comments like your so thin, you look great, I felt like crap. My cushion of healthy living is 125-130. I am much more often 130 these days then 125 but its 130 and Living. Eating what my family does, with in my parameters and making good choices but not obsessing. Over all it means I'm still 5 lbs under my goal weight and Ive only gained 5lbs in 2 years ..Not like the old days when I'd gain 50 or 60 a year. I don't think having a goal is a bad thing. But I'm trying hard to get back to knowing my body and loving it .Ironically, I loved myself at 275 pounds, in a way I don't know if I'll ever love myself again. Some one said to me maybe your just not meant to be 123 pounds. Maybe your body is meant to be 130 pounds. I don't know how I feel about that statement just yet. As long as I fit in my clothes, (which by the way is what snapped me out of my pity party. A pretty dress hanging on my closet door. ) and I feel good, I'll try and make good choices and pass on the things I know are not good for my nutrition. I'm working on feeling better about the distance I've come and learning this is NOT a diet but a way of life . That is a very hard thing to wrap your mind around after years of dieting. The scale is not the enemy,( a bitch maybe) its a tool and I can accomplish what ever I set my mind too...I hope. and a pity party every now and again is OK as long as you have support to kick your butt back out of it.
Humor
The best gift my husband could give me would be a scale that read my goal weight every time I stepped on it , and NEVER EVER tell me it's fake ....lol...
I hope that when reading this, it finds everybody doing well and carrying on their journeys. I am well. That being said, a few days ago I was NOT so well. Mentally. For two years I have been on this journey, ( I cant believe two years already but when I think of all I've been through yeah two years is about right) and I have been very educated and knowledgeable about what to expect and how to face the challenges that have come up. That has helped a lot, i suggest everyone does research and reads other peoples journeys'. Only a few times have I actually had a mental breakdown. Well, two days ago was one of those days. AND YES it was related to the scale. Let me explain a little before you start to roll your eyes and get annoyed with this on going struggle I have vented about.
Two weeks ago it was 95 degrees here. I went hiking 4 times. A total of 15 miles and it was amazing. I bought friends and family with me each day and I felt great for including them and working on myself. I knew we were heading into bad weather the following week and wanted to have a plan so I over did it a bit to make up for the "shut in status" that was coming the following week. The next week, as planned, it was cold and rained almost everyday. To make up for this, I cut back on all the things I am not suppose to be eating . Carbs ,sweets, whatever. Although I wasn't eating much of those, I didn't want to undo what I had done the week before. I bought my fruit, my yogurts,and even sacrificed dinners after dinners that the family were eating and made better choices for me and my goals, and like planned, the scale was moving down. THEN, we went out with friends. They drank ate, partied it up and I stayed on track. (or so I thought.) We walked for like 6 hours around a casino, but stayed up late and then it happened. I got on the scale the next morning ( forgetting the basic two day rule) expecting it to be down or at least the same AND IT WAS UP. Now nothing crazy. I was still in my 5 pound cushion but for the first time in two years, it was up and I HAD NO IDEA why. I truly felt like it should be down. I was so angry and disgusted, I was going to scream ,cry and never get out of my bed or my sweats again. ( clearly this was momentary insanity because I'm not in Starbucks in my sweats) I ate 1/2 a krispy kreme doughnut that made me Soo sick and it didn't stop there , I ate a small amount of everything through out the day that I had said no too all week,while laying in bed mind you, in my fat pants. I was so angry and felt like "who cares I'll just be fat again. " The ironic thing was ,even if I wanted too, I couldn't eat enough sugar to go on a real binge , this I found very ironic. After several hours of a pity party and face book buddies telling me to knock it off with the scale, I found my mojo again and said "you know what I did have a salad with cheese and it was probably salt blah blah blah " and I got back on track. The pretty dress on my closet door right next to my bed kept catching my eye as well and it was mocking me .
Yesterday, two days after the pity party extravaganza, the scale was back down , that being said I had Chinese shrimp yesterday so no scale weigh in today.
What does all this mean? I hate my scale. Yes. but it also has really made me examine why? Why is that damn number so important. I told one of my friends "who said to stop worrying about it" that if I did that I'd be very over weight again very quickly.
This weight loss is sometimes like a hand full of sand. The tighter you try to hold onto it, the quicker it slips through your fingers. And that is a scary scary thing. To be out of control .To trust the very thing( the scale) that has mocked you your whole life. To have a plan that might work long term and will not let you down is very foreign for weight loss surgery people.
And then I thought about this. When you get to goal and then maintenance. you're almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, as the saying goes. Your waiting for it to fail like so many other things have before. I'm waiting for the weight to come back. That's what I'm waiting for. I'm fighting to keep this result as long as I can because I've never had it before. I almost feel like in some way, I cheated. and I'm waiting to face reality and gain it all back. I know we all get very angry when someone else says we took the easy way out , for obvious reasons, but how many of us secretly think this of ourselves in our own heads.
I am also reminded of a saying I live by. What we fear most we create. I have witnessed this time and time again, and here I am creating my future of failure.
I am trying to make peace with the fact that at my very lowest weight I was 119 pounds. I did not feel good. I was weak and although people made comments like your so thin, you look great, I felt like crap. My cushion of healthy living is 125-130. I am much more often 130 these days then 125 but its 130 and Living. Eating what my family does, with in my parameters and making good choices but not obsessing. Over all it means I'm still 5 lbs under my goal weight and Ive only gained 5lbs in 2 years ..Not like the old days when I'd gain 50 or 60 a year. I don't think having a goal is a bad thing. But I'm trying hard to get back to knowing my body and loving it .Ironically, I loved myself at 275 pounds, in a way I don't know if I'll ever love myself again. Some one said to me maybe your just not meant to be 123 pounds. Maybe your body is meant to be 130 pounds. I don't know how I feel about that statement just yet. As long as I fit in my clothes, (which by the way is what snapped me out of my pity party. A pretty dress hanging on my closet door. ) and I feel good, I'll try and make good choices and pass on the things I know are not good for my nutrition. I'm working on feeling better about the distance I've come and learning this is NOT a diet but a way of life . That is a very hard thing to wrap your mind around after years of dieting. The scale is not the enemy,( a bitch maybe) its a tool and I can accomplish what ever I set my mind too...I hope. and a pity party every now and again is OK as long as you have support to kick your butt back out of it.
Humor
The best gift my husband could give me would be a scale that read my goal weight every time I stepped on it , and NEVER EVER tell me it's fake ....lol...
Sometimes we forget ......This isnt just about US ....Look Outside of the box
I'll try not to ramble in this post. But there are so many things in my brain trying to get out I may go off course. Bare with me.
Yesterday I was thinking that through this journey we sometimes can get very self involved. I mean can you blame us. Its as though we have to get to know a whole new person. If you can't love or relate to the person in the mirror then how can you go forward? OK that being said I think a lot of us who want to try and avoid that do things like volunteer and reach out to others who are going through this journey or similar. I know for me that's what I try to do and I think I know alot of others who do the same. But we all have these moments when we think too much about OUR struggle, Our triumphs and Our goals and forget what is going on around us. What others are observing from us. What Blueprint we are making on the world. Let me explain.
I was struggling very hard to loose some weight I had gained over the holidays. 5 lbs or so, and I focused on this everyday. Not obsessed but focused. and like always it went up it went down , Blah blah blah , but I lost sight of what was going on around me. The things that had nothing to do with the scale.
#1. Through my support groups I have started building some really fantastic friendships and I'm very grateful for those. #2. I put together a really cute fashion show at our support group, I got things donated to it and it was very successful, this was an accomplishment, #3 I found my voice a little lately and took charge of a few things in my life #4 I have reconnected with my sister I haven't spoken too in nearly 12 years #5. I have made a difference in peoples lives .....let me explain
I was in star bucks and a women approached me ( this is not surprising anymore ) and told me she had to say thank you. Thank you for being the face of our Hospitals program because I encouraged a friend of hers to have the surgery and she knows that it has saved her friends life. She went on to tell me that she herself suffered her whole life from weight issues and eating disorders and she wanted me to know that I have touched and saved peoples lives by being on the billboards and such and she wanted me to know that I have made a difference in the world. I was so touched I cant even tell you. Blown away actually . i have people come up to me ALL the time and tell me their stories and say hello and I look great but this was a special thing to hear. I realized at that point that I needed to focus on those things not that 5 lb gain that I have worked my butt off to get rid of. I need to realize I have a purpose here. I was given a great gift of exposure and I hope that I can continue to support and expose how life can change if your willing to do the work. If you need the help ask for it, go for it , work for it.
I have also put together this support group that meets every week at our local Starbucks. through this I have a chance to really get to know great people going through the same challenges I face and we keep each other strong and positive. At our group yesterday my Friend Lori, Who I meet through our hospital support group ( and she has told me since day one I was her inspiration for the surgery) has become a friend as well as support person. She told our group yesterday that she knew from the moment she heard me talking at one of our support groups that she wanted to be my friend. She said she would be disappointed when I couldn't be at one. I was so touched by the things she was saying, and again it made me realize that I had made a difference without even knowing it.
In fashion we often say think outside of the box but I think in Life we sometimes have to look outside the box and see what everyone else sees too.....
Yesterday I was thinking that through this journey we sometimes can get very self involved. I mean can you blame us. Its as though we have to get to know a whole new person. If you can't love or relate to the person in the mirror then how can you go forward? OK that being said I think a lot of us who want to try and avoid that do things like volunteer and reach out to others who are going through this journey or similar. I know for me that's what I try to do and I think I know alot of others who do the same. But we all have these moments when we think too much about OUR struggle, Our triumphs and Our goals and forget what is going on around us. What others are observing from us. What Blueprint we are making on the world. Let me explain.
I was struggling very hard to loose some weight I had gained over the holidays. 5 lbs or so, and I focused on this everyday. Not obsessed but focused. and like always it went up it went down , Blah blah blah , but I lost sight of what was going on around me. The things that had nothing to do with the scale.
#1. Through my support groups I have started building some really fantastic friendships and I'm very grateful for those. #2. I put together a really cute fashion show at our support group, I got things donated to it and it was very successful, this was an accomplishment, #3 I found my voice a little lately and took charge of a few things in my life #4 I have reconnected with my sister I haven't spoken too in nearly 12 years #5. I have made a difference in peoples lives .....let me explain
I was in star bucks and a women approached me ( this is not surprising anymore ) and told me she had to say thank you. Thank you for being the face of our Hospitals program because I encouraged a friend of hers to have the surgery and she knows that it has saved her friends life. She went on to tell me that she herself suffered her whole life from weight issues and eating disorders and she wanted me to know that I have touched and saved peoples lives by being on the billboards and such and she wanted me to know that I have made a difference in the world. I was so touched I cant even tell you. Blown away actually . i have people come up to me ALL the time and tell me their stories and say hello and I look great but this was a special thing to hear. I realized at that point that I needed to focus on those things not that 5 lb gain that I have worked my butt off to get rid of. I need to realize I have a purpose here. I was given a great gift of exposure and I hope that I can continue to support and expose how life can change if your willing to do the work. If you need the help ask for it, go for it , work for it.
I have also put together this support group that meets every week at our local Starbucks. through this I have a chance to really get to know great people going through the same challenges I face and we keep each other strong and positive. At our group yesterday my Friend Lori, Who I meet through our hospital support group ( and she has told me since day one I was her inspiration for the surgery) has become a friend as well as support person. She told our group yesterday that she knew from the moment she heard me talking at one of our support groups that she wanted to be my friend. She said she would be disappointed when I couldn't be at one. I was so touched by the things she was saying, and again it made me realize that I had made a difference without even knowing it.
In fashion we often say think outside of the box but I think in Life we sometimes have to look outside the box and see what everyone else sees too.....
A new Prepective can be a Non Scale Victory
Have you ever done anything in life and after, you see things differently. In the Late 90's my husband and I ( we were like 23ish ) went on a cross country trip from one end of the U.S to the other. We saw so many amazing things. Coming from Ny, it was mind blowing to see things like the Salt Flats in the Midwest, the deserts, and even Lake Tahoe, The grand Canyon, And the beaches of California. Wild bear in the Rockies, Amish In PA. From that moment on our Prospectives changed. We knew what else was out there, and anytime we saw a movie that included one of these Places we could relate to it in a different way. One of the things I love about traveling.
I realized watching a movie today that this can happen with life experiences too. I was watching Practical Magic. A movie I have seen many many times. But in the past I watched this and any other movie for that matter, in a kind of disconnect. You see when you are obese, and have been larger for most of your life, you see things through a whole different perspective. The cute dresses they might wear you think 1- I'll never be able to wear that ( I mean that's ingrained in your brain) 2- things seem more exotic because they are unobtainable 3-you notice details less.Everything is just fantasy.
For example , there is a scene where Sandra Bullock is a cute shop owner that makes homemade "witch" creams etc...Nicole kidman is her outsider sister who is a rebel. The Sandra Bullock character always seemed exotic to me because of the clothes she wore. Cute little sun dresses and femine sweet things. Nicole kidman wore Black pants. Black everything and although her outfits were sexy , I could relate to the wearing of black. I would never be able to find cute dresses and Clothes like the other character would wear and even if I did I'd Never Look like that in them or be as free spirited in them.
Now watching the same movie , ( and I am no Sandra bullock ) I watch this same scene and I love that dress .I think "wow I should look for a similar dress and the cute little cardigan sweater" . I never noticed the sweater before but I have since obtained a bit of a cardigan sweater addiction. I felt like I was able to relate to the image I was seeing in front of me. And maybe you can't understand this unless you go through it but it's very similar to seeing those sights across the states. I had seen those places before in books and movies but until I was there, I had no idea what the sounds were, the smells , but after being there, those books and scenes in movies were more exciting, more real and details popped out that I never realized before.
This is the same reason I volunteer to speak about weight loss surgery and be on billboards and in newspaper articles. Why I love meeting random people in my neighborhood because of the billboards and newspaper ads, They come to me and tell me their stories of either struggle with weight or victories and I can truly understand both perspectives and that is not such a common thing in life. You know the saying " you don't know till your in the the other persons shoes". Well I have been there. I Love that part of my journey. Some people regret ever being obese, and clearly if health issues occurred, its understandable, But I don't. Thanks to every part of my Journey I have a very unique and compassionate perspective about weight. failures, struggles and the accomplishments that can be made. How hard it is too keep going. How hard it is to change your life completely. How hard it is to fear so many different things related to the process and how important those small everyday victories are. How Important it is to have a cheerleader in your corer no matter what happens, no matter what you face. As for my perspective, As for my journey, I wouldn't change a thing.
I realized watching a movie today that this can happen with life experiences too. I was watching Practical Magic. A movie I have seen many many times. But in the past I watched this and any other movie for that matter, in a kind of disconnect. You see when you are obese, and have been larger for most of your life, you see things through a whole different perspective. The cute dresses they might wear you think 1- I'll never be able to wear that ( I mean that's ingrained in your brain) 2- things seem more exotic because they are unobtainable 3-you notice details less.Everything is just fantasy.
For example , there is a scene where Sandra Bullock is a cute shop owner that makes homemade "witch" creams etc...Nicole kidman is her outsider sister who is a rebel. The Sandra Bullock character always seemed exotic to me because of the clothes she wore. Cute little sun dresses and femine sweet things. Nicole kidman wore Black pants. Black everything and although her outfits were sexy , I could relate to the wearing of black. I would never be able to find cute dresses and Clothes like the other character would wear and even if I did I'd Never Look like that in them or be as free spirited in them.
Now watching the same movie , ( and I am no Sandra bullock ) I watch this same scene and I love that dress .I think "wow I should look for a similar dress and the cute little cardigan sweater" . I never noticed the sweater before but I have since obtained a bit of a cardigan sweater addiction. I felt like I was able to relate to the image I was seeing in front of me. And maybe you can't understand this unless you go through it but it's very similar to seeing those sights across the states. I had seen those places before in books and movies but until I was there, I had no idea what the sounds were, the smells , but after being there, those books and scenes in movies were more exciting, more real and details popped out that I never realized before.
This is the same reason I volunteer to speak about weight loss surgery and be on billboards and in newspaper articles. Why I love meeting random people in my neighborhood because of the billboards and newspaper ads, They come to me and tell me their stories of either struggle with weight or victories and I can truly understand both perspectives and that is not such a common thing in life. You know the saying " you don't know till your in the the other persons shoes". Well I have been there. I Love that part of my journey. Some people regret ever being obese, and clearly if health issues occurred, its understandable, But I don't. Thanks to every part of my Journey I have a very unique and compassionate perspective about weight. failures, struggles and the accomplishments that can be made. How hard it is too keep going. How hard it is to change your life completely. How hard it is to fear so many different things related to the process and how important those small everyday victories are. How Important it is to have a cheerleader in your corer no matter what happens, no matter what you face. As for my perspective, As for my journey, I wouldn't change a thing.
Maintance Hell
You may have heard me mention it once or twice. The long exciting road of the weight loss surgery "honeymoon" ,when pounds seem to come off faster then you can keep track of them, There is this all new very scary and consuming place called Maintenance or in other words "REALITY". I am just being playful and a bit cynical when I call it hell. It's not hell and I would never complain about such an amazing gift. But when the Dr. tells "the fat girl" inside my head that "it's time to start to act like a 125 lb person instead of the 272 pound girl", it's a bit shocking and I nearly feel off my office examine table. REALLY? You mean for the first time in my life I am going to get a clean bill of health at the Dr's office. You mean I don't have one foot in the grave like so many endless amounts of Dr's tried to convince me or assume about me based on my rear end girth alone. Holy Moly.This is new for sure.
And so it begins. You got here. You worked, you studied, you sweated ,you cried ,you screamed ,you cheered and let's be honest when you stepped on the scale and it was below your high school prom weight ,you danced like a lunatic in the bathroom. But NOW WHAT?
This is a place, where for me, a lot of the self discovery has come into place. Through out my journey people were always telling me "you must be so committed" and don't get me wrong, I was (still am) to the point I think I should have been committed. Just Kidding ,sort of. I worked and counted every calorie , but this, right now, is the test of whether you have trained that fat person in your brain. Have you gotten control over her/him?. Has your appetite really changed? do you want veggies and good food or are you fighting the inner beast wanting sugar? Ok, Both for me, Honestly.
For me A lot has changed. Besides the size of my body. I truly do love the healthy foods I have educated myself about. I find them easily in the stores now and I understand labels A LOT more now then before. But don't get me wrong I have so so much more to learn, but I want, to learn it now. I look for the answers and invest the time in a healthy ME, instead of the drive through. Has my pallet changed? yes yes it has, that being said , do I still love cookies and sweets ?YES. and eventually you can eat more then you could in the beginning but all in moderation. Now I have just a taste and I'm satisfied. Have I learned new tricks to keep me motivated ? Yes. I love love clothes. So when I'm loosing or trying to stay focused ,I make sure to put on something that I love. That I could only put on, Thanks to my weight loss. I'm in starbucks in stiletto heels .HELLO!!!!!! and it keeps me motivated . I truly love my clothes, more then my Food......revelation !!!!!
but is it hard? YES. !!!! I feel like I have joined the swarms of women that I always heard about before( and didn't understand as I ate whatever I wanted when ever i wanted too), trying to loose that 10-20 lbs forever. It's a constant battle of what your body wants to do and what you want. My body would like to be at 135. If I even smell a Carb, BAM my weight goes up.135, That was my goal in the beginning . But I have fought to go to 123 and that's where physically I feel GREAT. I saw a scene on a Samantha Who (Tv show that was canceled but reruns show ) where this girl says to Samantha " wow you climb those stairs everyday and Samantha says " Yes! it keeps me below my bodys' comfort weight. you should try it . ( it was a scene where she was the old nasty Samantha). And I thought OMG....this is such a common issue they are joking about it. If I ate a bit more and didn't work quite so hard I'd be at my "comfort zone". Well no thank you. and so goes the battle. Now I'm not perfect. I have Starbucks EVERYDAY. It's a skinny ( non fat milk sugar free syrup and equal) though, so its 1/2 the Cal's and Its the one thing I treat myself too. Actually hubby buys it for me most often when we meet together in the afternoons. and that leads me to the next thing...A routine.
I have found I need to have a routine . One that gets me out of the house .....if I'm home ,I'm going to SNACK and it isn't always going to be healthy. I swear the walls of that house poison my brain with waves of snack-dum. And for get the TV. I think there are waves from the TV that make me want to eat. So what do I do ? I force myself to get up after an hour of breakfast and A hot tea at home( watching One show of my choice) and get all dressed and go out. I use to go to all my stores for clothing finds but I calmed that down based on a lack of room in our house and the cold weather. I most often make a list of all the things I need to do on the computer the night before and I pack it all up and take it to Starbucks. Yep. I'm out of the house. I can say no to the treats at Starbucks, ( non scale victory every time ) I mean they are a bit pricey so that helps. The cool people at our location, let me bring my own snacks too. They know I'm an RNY patient and lets face it, my billboard is right outside. But if you ask your location privately they will let you. Starbucks Rocks. Even if I just grab magazines and go, I'm out of the house and friends meet me there sometimes and we chat, catch up get business done.
It's important to have a routine that keeps you focused and that includes the gym time. I am still trying to work that into my schedule as a regular time.I am not a morning gym person at all. I hate to be sweaty middle of the day once, I'm all dressed I don't want to go do all that work all over, so night time works best for me. I'm working on it with the family and our schedule at home with the kids and hubby's schedule.
Now is the time as my Dr says," to test what you have learned and see if you habits have changed." 2-4 years according to him, is the time that is most crucial to develop new patterns and stay successful. So here we go. Let's test what we have learned ..Let's see what it takes to maintain this tool ,this gift, this new beginning.
And so it begins. You got here. You worked, you studied, you sweated ,you cried ,you screamed ,you cheered and let's be honest when you stepped on the scale and it was below your high school prom weight ,you danced like a lunatic in the bathroom. But NOW WHAT?
This is a place, where for me, a lot of the self discovery has come into place. Through out my journey people were always telling me "you must be so committed" and don't get me wrong, I was (still am) to the point I think I should have been committed. Just Kidding ,sort of. I worked and counted every calorie , but this, right now, is the test of whether you have trained that fat person in your brain. Have you gotten control over her/him?. Has your appetite really changed? do you want veggies and good food or are you fighting the inner beast wanting sugar? Ok, Both for me, Honestly.
For me A lot has changed. Besides the size of my body. I truly do love the healthy foods I have educated myself about. I find them easily in the stores now and I understand labels A LOT more now then before. But don't get me wrong I have so so much more to learn, but I want, to learn it now. I look for the answers and invest the time in a healthy ME, instead of the drive through. Has my pallet changed? yes yes it has, that being said , do I still love cookies and sweets ?YES. and eventually you can eat more then you could in the beginning but all in moderation. Now I have just a taste and I'm satisfied. Have I learned new tricks to keep me motivated ? Yes. I love love clothes. So when I'm loosing or trying to stay focused ,I make sure to put on something that I love. That I could only put on, Thanks to my weight loss. I'm in starbucks in stiletto heels .HELLO!!!!!! and it keeps me motivated . I truly love my clothes, more then my Food......revelation !!!!!
but is it hard? YES. !!!! I feel like I have joined the swarms of women that I always heard about before( and didn't understand as I ate whatever I wanted when ever i wanted too), trying to loose that 10-20 lbs forever. It's a constant battle of what your body wants to do and what you want. My body would like to be at 135. If I even smell a Carb, BAM my weight goes up.135, That was my goal in the beginning . But I have fought to go to 123 and that's where physically I feel GREAT. I saw a scene on a Samantha Who (Tv show that was canceled but reruns show ) where this girl says to Samantha " wow you climb those stairs everyday and Samantha says " Yes! it keeps me below my bodys' comfort weight. you should try it . ( it was a scene where she was the old nasty Samantha). And I thought OMG....this is such a common issue they are joking about it. If I ate a bit more and didn't work quite so hard I'd be at my "comfort zone". Well no thank you. and so goes the battle. Now I'm not perfect. I have Starbucks EVERYDAY. It's a skinny ( non fat milk sugar free syrup and equal) though, so its 1/2 the Cal's and Its the one thing I treat myself too. Actually hubby buys it for me most often when we meet together in the afternoons. and that leads me to the next thing...A routine.
I have found I need to have a routine . One that gets me out of the house .....if I'm home ,I'm going to SNACK and it isn't always going to be healthy. I swear the walls of that house poison my brain with waves of snack-dum. And for get the TV. I think there are waves from the TV that make me want to eat. So what do I do ? I force myself to get up after an hour of breakfast and A hot tea at home( watching One show of my choice) and get all dressed and go out. I use to go to all my stores for clothing finds but I calmed that down based on a lack of room in our house and the cold weather. I most often make a list of all the things I need to do on the computer the night before and I pack it all up and take it to Starbucks. Yep. I'm out of the house. I can say no to the treats at Starbucks, ( non scale victory every time ) I mean they are a bit pricey so that helps. The cool people at our location, let me bring my own snacks too. They know I'm an RNY patient and lets face it, my billboard is right outside. But if you ask your location privately they will let you. Starbucks Rocks. Even if I just grab magazines and go, I'm out of the house and friends meet me there sometimes and we chat, catch up get business done.
It's important to have a routine that keeps you focused and that includes the gym time. I am still trying to work that into my schedule as a regular time.I am not a morning gym person at all. I hate to be sweaty middle of the day once, I'm all dressed I don't want to go do all that work all over, so night time works best for me. I'm working on it with the family and our schedule at home with the kids and hubby's schedule.
Now is the time as my Dr says," to test what you have learned and see if you habits have changed." 2-4 years according to him, is the time that is most crucial to develop new patterns and stay successful. So here we go. Let's test what we have learned ..Let's see what it takes to maintain this tool ,this gift, this new beginning.
My cup runneth over
Our surgeons office has this great celebration every year. They congratulate the patients who have had surgery and tell us all what's up and coming and the accomplishments we have all made. There are raffles and flowers and goody bags. It's really a great time. This year the meeting was amazing for me. What I didn't realize, since my billboards and commercials have come out, there are many many people who have had their surgeries. Well I was blown over by how many of them came to me to say thank you. I couldn't believe the hugs I got and wonderful brave women saying I inspired them to make the decision to change their lives. Who knew? I hoped but didnt know for sure. what I did know was, I am passionate about my DR'S office and the service they give their patients so I felt compelled to volunteer. When one of the girls stood up and told her story and said the commercial I was in played after Oprah just about everyday, and she would see them, and it encouraged her to find out about the program, I was so touched. And that was only the beginning.
By the end of the night I felt amazed, I felt emotional but I felt a strange sense of peace. Yes I'm a wife, a mother, and a business partner to my husband but at the end of the day don't we all look to make our mark on the world. Our little finger print. I think I have done that now and even if I woke up tomorrow at 272 pounds agian, the fact that I helped these wonderful ladies on their journey is my mark, my little finger print.
I'm so excited about the future with the program and all the ways I hope to help them. I will be an ambassador who does support group topics and many of the women said they are coming and looking forward to the talks. I never could have guessed that this surgery not only changed my health but it improved so many aspects of who I am and giving back to my community. It has given me another purpose in my life and gotten me in touch with my town which I have always wanted to do . Our town has it's issues trust me, ( we just found out our childrens school is closing.) but under all the hogwash political stuff is a town that really tries and we have a great hospital at our finger tips.
So here I sit again in starbucks, my home away from home, Trying to eat my greek yogurt ( trying is the key word) and doing what I love, Blogging. And talking about the things Im passionate about. My cup runneth over with the idea of how lucky I am in life. I have a great husband a great set of kids I have reached my all time goal weight and I have made a difference in some special ladies lives. Who could ask for anything more. ( ok the evil voice in my head says hitting the lotto would be nice too but im shhhing it lol).
So whatever it is you believe in God ,Kharma , fate, whatever it is today I say thank you a million times over for all the ways the world has blessed me.
Onward and Forward..here's to the future ....
By the end of the night I felt amazed, I felt emotional but I felt a strange sense of peace. Yes I'm a wife, a mother, and a business partner to my husband but at the end of the day don't we all look to make our mark on the world. Our little finger print. I think I have done that now and even if I woke up tomorrow at 272 pounds agian, the fact that I helped these wonderful ladies on their journey is my mark, my little finger print.
I'm so excited about the future with the program and all the ways I hope to help them. I will be an ambassador who does support group topics and many of the women said they are coming and looking forward to the talks. I never could have guessed that this surgery not only changed my health but it improved so many aspects of who I am and giving back to my community. It has given me another purpose in my life and gotten me in touch with my town which I have always wanted to do . Our town has it's issues trust me, ( we just found out our childrens school is closing.) but under all the hogwash political stuff is a town that really tries and we have a great hospital at our finger tips.
So here I sit again in starbucks, my home away from home, Trying to eat my greek yogurt ( trying is the key word) and doing what I love, Blogging. And talking about the things Im passionate about. My cup runneth over with the idea of how lucky I am in life. I have a great husband a great set of kids I have reached my all time goal weight and I have made a difference in some special ladies lives. Who could ask for anything more. ( ok the evil voice in my head says hitting the lotto would be nice too but im shhhing it lol).
So whatever it is you believe in God ,Kharma , fate, whatever it is today I say thank you a million times over for all the ways the world has blessed me.
Onward and Forward..here's to the future ....
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